the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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