His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
