I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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