So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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