I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
