i think i have two assholes
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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