Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
