dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
