I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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