Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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