do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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