I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
