pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
