I cut my penus on the lid.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
