Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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