i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
