I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
