there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
