The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
