Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize