My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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