nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
