If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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