new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize