After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
