this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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