dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
