I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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