I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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