chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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