So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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