I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
sarcasm needs its own font
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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