Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
