just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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