I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize