Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
