I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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