I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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