Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
