he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
