She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
