I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
