And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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