I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
