Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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