Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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