"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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