the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
