you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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