i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
