Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize