he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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