I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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