People in love make me want to vomit
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
