I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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