It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
