Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
50% drunk capacity currently
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
