Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
