And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
