i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
