i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
