I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm both gender and math confused
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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