Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
