I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
