i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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