she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
