The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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