Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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