Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
