Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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