textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
