The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize